Waiting is the hardest thing

Wait – “Used to indicate that one is eagerly impatient to do something or for something to happen.”

I feel so helpless because all I can do is wait. Wait for things to happen outside of my control. Wait for the inspection period to end on the house I’m selling in Florida. Wait for the inspections to be completed on the house I’m buying in Virginia.  Wait for closings. Wait for time to move. Wait for new job to start. Wait.

Its ironic really. For me, the advocate of a return to gentler times. Who idealizes the past. Who espouses the virtues of times gone by and bemoans the fast paced technology of today. Right? I mean, let’s think about the concept of waiting in the past.

it could take weeks for a simple transaction to be completed. No emails. No internet. No phones even. No immediate answers available. Type a contract. Put it in the mail. Let’s assume the mail even arrives safely and doesn’t get lost on the trip. The stagecoach doesn’t wreck, get robbed, the driver doesn’t get sick or get attacked on the trail and important papers get lost forever. Think about the woman or mother waiting to hear from her loved one away at war. Again, weeks, months, even years could go by with no word. All she can do is wait.

And I get it. I do. I fully recognize the conundrum of being so reliant on the very technology I claim to despise. Although in this situation, technology can only help so much.  Yes, reports can be assembled much easier on a computer and emailed in seconds  but that doesn’t alleviate contractual waiting periods.  That doesn’t mean we move forward any faster.

I get it. I am at the mercy of time. And time can be a hard master. I get that I am not in control here.  I get it. But it doesn’t make the wait it any easier.

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Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end

Well we did it.  We are official residents of Virginia.  For the first time in 25 years I have a Virginia drivers license. My cars are registered in Virginia. My house is in Virginia. My life is in Virginia.

It’s been awhile since I blogged. There’s a few reasons why I stopped. 1) I was overwhelmed from the simultaneous house closings and the move 2) I was slow to adjust to the realities of my new life and 3) I was sick for about 3 weeks straight with the most vicious cold I’ve ever had in my life.  I believe it was the two continuous months of stress taking a physical form. Do you know what it’s like to not taste or smell anything? Miserable.  The only up side was the few pounds I lost due to having zero interest in food – which of course have now come back since I regained my sense of taste. The other thing I lost, which was even more traumatizing, was my voice.  At first it was all gone. Now it’s my upper register which seems to be slowly coming back – too slowly for my tastes – but it’s coming. As someone who has spent most of her life singing, to not have a voice was very scary. Thank goodness it’s back, just need to get it back into shape.

So, the move.  Where do I begin…should it be with the movers in South Florida? One who looked like Dave Chappelle’s cousin; one whose dreads covered his face and the only indication he was actually alive behind the hair was the continuous thumping bass beat from the ear buds buried in the mass; and one who lost his keys.  Lost. His. Keys.  And swore that one of the other movers had dropped them in the 26′ truck.  That was completely packed from front to back and top to bottom. And who determined that the only way to find them would be to unpack the truck.

We also didn’t have the car trailer yet because it wasn’t delivered to the store on time so we had to go BACK to Boca to pick it up on the way out, thus adding to the delay. Of course this was also after the dog, who we had put in his crate to keep him out of the way flipped his lid and worked himself into such a frenzy that he both puked AND had diarrhea all over the crate. With the hoses and towels and everything else packed. By the time we got him cleaned up, the keys found and the trailer picked up we were two hours behind schedule leaving at 2 pm and still had to get past Savannah to the pet friendly hotel – seven hours away. Boy that was a fun day.

This saga will need to be split into multiple parts. And we aren’t even to GA yet! So stay tuned…

 

On friendship

In the past four years I have made, lost and maintained more friends than at any other time combined in my life. It’s been exhausting, not to mention expensive! Ok, truthfully, most of the expensive part is attributable to diving expenses and/or Disney trips, but it is generally more expensive to have friends than not. Whether its dinners out, parties in, movies, shopping trips, party/life event gifts…the list goes on and on.

At times, I feel like I have lost myself.  I have spent more time in the last 4 years worrying about pleasing people and about what people think of me than at any other time period in my life. And I’m pretty much over it. Wait. No, not pretty much. I’m done.

Don’t get me wrong, I have enjoyed a lot of the times I have had with people. But as I prepare to move on to the next phase of my life, I have no illusions that people that I would have considered close friends here, will likely disappear. And that’s ok.  I have moved many times in my life, and it’s just a natural thing.  Maintaining a true friendship requires effort. It’s two sided. It’s really no different than maintaining a romantic relationship. I have often said that finding a true friend is just as hard (harder?) than finding a partner.

I recently read an interesting memoir called MWF seeking BFF – My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend – http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/11104030-mwf-seeking-bff. I was particularly attracted to this because the author was living in Chicago and doing this project at the same time I lived in Chicago. (And I often remark on the fact that I made one friend in Chicago the entire time I lived there – I felt like Chicago was very insulated and not open to outsiders but that’s a topic for another post). I felt a lot of the ways the author did, but the author was mainly focused on the fact that she did have very close, lifelong friends she had left behind when she moved from NYC to Chicago for her husband. Virtually alone in Chicago, knowing hardly anyone in town to call on a lazy Sunday for brunch, or for a quick after work mani/pedi, left her bereft and feeling very disconnected. Emotions with which I can definitely relate, especially as it relates to my time spent in Chicago.

Then, after moving to South Florida, we quickly fell into a group of people through a meet up group that were interested in kayaking. And then we started diving. Diving in South Florida is an amazing and life changing hobby. And it did.  It changed our life in so many positive ways. We met so many people in the dive community, which is fairly small and intimate. Especially in the spearfishing category. Diving is split between those who hunt and those who don’t.  And sometimes those two groups don’t mesh well. The point of telling you all this is to show how, in natural cycles, friendships can ebb and wane. Some of the friends we made when we first started diving ended up going in different directions, to photography, to tech diving. We lost touch. And the kayak friends, on a large level, felt abandoned because we devoted all our weekend free time to diving. We’ve struggled to continue with those friends, but life often gets in the way. Which really goes back to my original point that maintaining a friendship requires mutual cooperation and desire.

And then 2016 happened.  You know what I’m talking about.  The repercussions are still echoing through the land today. Social media exploded and countless numbers of so called friendships collapsed. I was unfriended by so many people I lost count.  And, while I didn’t specifically unfriend anyone, I basically stopped following almost everyone, even if they agreed with me politically because I didn’t want to get embroiled on their pages.  I ended up with a newsfeed comprised mostly of cute kitten videos. (This is not a bad thing). My point is that many of these friendships were not able to survive this political climate – leaving one to wonder, just how solid were those “friendships” to begin with? And the answer is – not at all. Facebook has its merits, but providing a forum for a real friendship isn’t one of them. In my life, it’s a way to keep up with various acquaintances; which can be interesting and has its place, but doesn’t really leave me fulfilled or feeling genuine connections with anyone.

Finding someone with a positive emotional connection that is sustainable is tough. At least with a partner, you have a physical connection. When you meet someone you are attracted to – physically or emotionally or both, there’s a click, something inside you that says “hey, this person gets me”. But I’ve learned the hard way that an initial attraction doesn’t necessarily translate into an actual friendship. Too many times to count I have walked away from an encounter thinking that I had just met someone that I could really be friends with. And then…nothing. Or maybe there was an initial flurry of contact and then a subtle fade. Or – and this one happened a lot – a great initial connection and then, with a little more time spent together, you realize that first impressions can actually be wrong  – and this person is a douche. This one can hurt more than others, especially when you have invested yourself into the relationship and you feel like you were suckered, or you question your judgment because you made a really wrong decision about someone. Or how about that person that needs or wants you for something, and once that something is complete, disappears. No more friendly banter texts, no more sharing cute memes, no more comments on the FB posts…yeah, those happen too.

I have never had a hard time making friends, on the surface I am pretty friendly and outgoing. I have a problem maintaining friends though. I’ve given a lot of thought as to why this is. And on some level I acknowledge it’s my own fault. At the end of the day, if there’s a choice between being at home or being out with someone, home is going to win almost every time. And when I’m home I mostly want to be alone. I want to sit on my couch, or on my deck and do my solitary things. I don’t want any other person in my space (except for my husband. He gets a lifetime pass :)) And when did the phone go from being the sole point of my existence to a nuisance? When I was young, a ringing phone was an incredible thrill. Now it’s something to hide from.  Is it me that’s changed? Or have I stayed the same and the world has changed around me?

As I tie up loose ends here in South Florida, I reflect on the time spent here. And I determine that overall it’s been very worthwhile. I really wouldn’t change a thing about it. Ultimately, I can see how my time here has served to keep me moving forward.As a direct result of my time spent here, I am getting to move to a place that I have wanted to be my whole life (even without knowing perhaps that this is the specific place that fulfills all my desires). Had we not moved here, these opportunities would not have been available. And diving will remain with me for the rest of my life. I may not devote all my time to it now, but I will look forward to branching out into different aspects of diving that will be available to me in Roanoke.

And I will have memories that are priceless. Whether I ever physically speak to or see any of my friends here again, each one has touched my life in a special and valuable way. Each one has changed me. Each one has taught me something. Even the bad ones. I have no regrets.

Hideout – Daily Prompt

So this is apparently a way for bloggers to be inspired. A daily word provided, see what comes out. I like it.

My first impression of a hideout is a place where old school gangsters would go to ground. A literal interpretation, I know.

Think the Dillinger gang, think Bonnie and Clyde, think Pretty Boy Floyd. Depression era criminals.  Hiding from the G men, constantly on the run. Never sure who they can trust, lurking in the shadows, continually on alert. I’ve read some interesting short fictional stories about these characters, as well as a lot of historical accounts.

In some ways, they seem so romantic but I think reality would be slightly different, no?  Were they cold blooded predators or victims of their time? Maybe both.  Definitely tragic figures.  And they all came to pretty rough ends. They live on though. They endure.

via Daily Prompt: Hideout

I'm part of Post A Week 2016

Hideout

Hello

Welcome to my inaugural blog post. Bear with me as I try to figure this out. I have always wanted to blog – I feel like I have lots to say – the problem is that the posts I write in my mind – while in the shower, driving to work or in the middle of the night – never seem to translate onto an actual page.

So today, for whatever reason, I decided to sit down with my trusty ol laptop and get something down.  I initially posted a two line message intending to come back later and write more, not realizing that somehow real people can see it.  Then I got an email saying I had two likes! Two likes from actual human beings that are not related to me and/or married to me. 🙂 I have no earthly idea how they found me – technicalities are not my specialty – but they did. And all I can say is Thanks you two for the inspiration!

Well sir, that put the pressure on. If real people are going to have access to see this, then I better give them something worthwhile to read right? Initially, I figured I will start with my upcoming move from South Florida to Roanoke, VA.  I am beyond excited to be on this path. I was born and raised in Chesapeake VA, which is in the eastern portion of the state near the coast.  Roanoke is in the western part of the state, in the Blue Ridge mountains.  I have been inspired by and drawn to the mountains my entire life. And I’m not talking about the Rockies – they never touched me the way the Appalachians do. There’s something about those green topped, misty hills that speak to my soul. And have since I was a little girl on camping trips with my dad. To be actually on the path of moving there soon is  incredible.

blue-ridge

It never ceases to amaze me how things in your life have a way of working out, if you let them. I wonder how many people have opportunities presented to them but choose to ignore them for whatever reason? I have always tried to live my life NOT being that kind of person. I have always tried to be open to forces conceivably beyond my control that put me in places I may not have intended to go, but somehow, when I end up there, realize it was exactly what I needed to get me exactly where I needed to be. I have never been content to settle – on a job, on a man, on a friend, on a life. I’m not about to start now.

So stay tuned.  I really am going to try and make this happen.  May not be every day, or even every other day, but I will try to get something down at least once a week. If you want to be a writer, you have to write. And if you want to write, write. It’s not gonna happen unless you sit down and make it happen.  Here goes!